Monday, November 30, 2009

Are Yooou Afraid of the Dark?


Long before Alicia Silverstone gifted her the prized role of Cher Horowitz on the hit (?) ABC sitcom, "Clueless" (I would offer a "well played" to Alicia but then I think of "Excess Baggage"), Rachel Blanchard was sitting around a campfire with a bucket of water (or was it sand?) and a group of extreme rebels who dubbed their ultra hip gang, "The Midnight Society." These reckless teens weren't just gossiping about the typical ghost or run of the mill clown (see below photo) either, and they certainly weren't sitting on SNICK's famed orange couch, they were in the wilderness - without any supervision - scaring the crap out of each other and encouraging young kids to do the same to their peers. And I for one got that message loud and clear.

There was always a big fat solid line differentiating the kids who could handle "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" and the kids who couldn't. Although I was beyond proud to be allowed to stay up with the babysitter for the 9:30-10 timeslot when my neighbor was crying in protest for being forced to go to bed, I think it later became clear that I should have been placed in the latter group - the one that was not exposed to the boy who chants "I'm cold" or the girl who writes "help me" backwards because she is trapped in the mirror. Not so much because it scared me, but because I used it as a very real inspiration to screw with others.

Something tells me that in the world today, where kids sit in carseats until they're 11 and only drink organic milk, this kind of show wouldn't fly. But back then, when parents saved time and money by shoveling Chicken McNuggets and french fries into their backseats and bought Coca-Cola by the case, "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" was only natural. On during the Nickelodeon Saturday night line up, when no early 90's parent in their right mind was actually home, the 11 years olds, who now sit in carseats, were given $5 an hour to come open the door for the pizza man and supervise the viewing of SNICK headlined by "Clarissa Explains It All" and "Ren and Stimpy." And the great thing was that if kids were afraid by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" (as you would assume any Nickelodeon-age child would be), it was the babysitters problem - you weren't home for at least another 4 hours.

That being said, far from "Tailspin" or "Under the Umbrella Tree," The Midnight Society offered an alternate universe, one where bad things did happen to good people. People died, kids were unkind to one another, and it was well documented that a ghost could come into your room in the middle of the night with the sole purpose of terrorizing you until you fulfilled his or her long standing wishes. Worst yet, you could unknowlingly purchase a cursed camera, take a picture of your parents, and cause their death in a horrible and brutal car accident - all of this obvious material for a children's television show. Beyond all the fright and terror though, the most important thing about the show was that kids absolutely loved it. And, in my particular case, used it as a learning tool.

The first time that I remember falling into the AYAOTD trap was in 3rd grade. Instead of being content with my crayons and latest VHS episode of "The Babysitters Club" TV show from the video fan club I had enrolled in, I decided to mix things up a bit. I had seen something about Bloody Mary on the show, and for some reason I felt it only made sense to tell a classmate that the reason she looked pale in the mirror was because she was going to die. To top things off, I convinced her that this had once happened to a friend of my grandmother's and that if she told any adults, she would DEFINITELY die. This lasted all day. For whatever reason, my teacher went on to confirm that Bloody Mary was real (I think she was referring to the drink), and other classmates started to get in on the joke by chiming in with their own reassurances that the girl was doomed. Needless to say, the Bloody Mary stricken classmate was up all night, and her mother wrote a stern letter to my teacher. I was reprimanded in front of the entire class, and the friendship would never be the same. To be completely honest, I still think it's a little funny. I mean who would fall for that? But nevertheless, strike one for me and "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

The bigger incident, directly relating to "Are You Afraid of the Dark?," came during my prank calling heydey. I had seen a ghost-boy whimper "help me" to some non-ghost kids on the show and for whatever reason, I thought that this would be a more than appropriate punchline for one of my cool and ingenious prank calls. I decided not to leave it at that though. When no one answered the random number that I had dialed, I muffled my voice and left "help me, help me" on my unsuspecting victim's answering machine - seriously. I actually did this. About 5 minutes later, my new phone buddy called back. Naturally, I hung up on her, so sure enough she called back again. This time she spoke to my father. It turns out that she had one of those brand new caller ID devices - the ones that give you the caller's name and number. Evidently, as she claimed, if she hadn't gotten our number, her call back would have gone to the police. I guess you would call the police if you got "help me" on your answering machine and thought your nephew might be in trouble. Needless to say, my clear, D.J. Tanner - esque, phone was put away in my closet for a very long time. And on some level, I guess I have always felt I really only had Nickelodeon to blame. Isn't that what you're supposed to say? "I saw a guy rob a bank on "Law and Order" and it looked like a good idea."

All in all, we all have an episode that scared us the most (mine was about a hippie who died in a school fire caused by a bunson burner - in fact, I convinced my cabin to act this one out on parents day at Camp Timber Ridge), and I would love to watch this show again as a 24-year old. Would I show it to my 5 year old niece? No I wouldn't. But then again, I wouldn't relive my 1992 trip to Disney World by sticking her in the front car of Space Mountain by herself either. And I must say, I am glad to have grown up in a world with Dunkaroos for school snacks, Super Soaker weapons, prank calls, and "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" - Afterall, I have a feeling that organic milk really isn't my thing anyway.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The City

AKA "What to do when you work with Olivia... and you don't have a gun handy."

While watching "The City" lately, I have noticed an eery similarity between Olivia and Sara Foster's horrible character, Jen Clark, on "90210" (see the above photos as example A.) So much so that when I try to picture Sara in my head, I can typically only see the image of Olivia. And I always want it to go away... swiftly.

Realizing that there is a real Jen Clark out there initially made me very sad for our world wide community, but then I thought about it on a more local scale. What if you were Erin and you actually had to work with this person? What if you had to deal with this person everyday?! I started to think of some suggestions.

Disclaimer...In no way do I promote violence so let's assume that there aren't any weapons around. (Besides if there were, you probably would have killed yourself long ago. You wouldn't have a chance at zapping Olivia because her brain washed army would surely overtake you in her defense, but you would likely be able to get a clear shot at yourself. Still, I don't think this is the answer). Instead, here are some examples of routes you could take..

#1. Make a drinking game out of it. Since Olivia's minions won't want to play, an office game is out of the question, but a drinking game can easily be played on your own and is just as fun. One drink everytime she speaks in a fake British accent. Two drinks everytime she already knows the person you are introducing her to (three drinks if she met this person in the Hamptons). Three drinks if Joe gives her the ole, "well done" in a meeting you are both in even when you know she couldn't have screwed up the task more. Four drinks if she shows up to work in a blazer. and FIVE drinks everytime she responds to a direct question with any variation of "I didn't know" ("I didn't realize," "you didn't tell me," "no one said" etc. - you get the idea.)

#2. An oldie but a goodie, tape a sign that says "I think I'm better than you" and stick it on her back. The sentiment will still be true even when she finally discovers the note on the back of her blazer, but atleast you will have gotten a few hours of joy out of it first.

#3. Take a page out of "The Real World" team's book from "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge 2000" and send Olivia on some fake missions. "The Real World"-ers had "Road Rules" painting toe nails and burying themselves in the sand, but in this case you could tell Olivia that "Elle" is doing a story on homeless people and send her out to panhandle for a few hours. If that fails, you could go with a simpler approach by making up the names of fake designers who she has to find and interview within the next 3 and a half hours. Better yet, convince her somehow that Ralph Lauren has stopped producing blazers and she should run to the stores and buy a lifetime supply... the sky is the limit here... use your own creativity. These are just suggestions.

#4. Arrive to the office early and hide all of her stuff. When she finally strolls in hours later, give her a confused look and question, "who the hell are you?" Best case scenario, she will retreat for her castle thinking that she never worked there in the first place. Worst case scenario, she's pissed and demands that you return her belongings... either way, it will be really funny.

#5. Buy one of those best friends necklaces and give her the other half. Her confusion and annoyance will be hilarious enough to make this worth the effort. "Erin, what is this supposed to mean?" "umm... that we're best friends Olivia. You can't be that stupid.... even though you did panhandle for a few hours the other day."

And finally suggestion #6. Quit and go work for a magazine that didn't hire Olivia.

Good luck out there Erin.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ode to Generation Y

A 2004 Graduation
Written April 2004


It seems like only yesterday we were watching "Saved by the Bell" and feeding our Giga Pets. Alright, I'll admit it, it was only yesterday that I caught up with Zack and the gang, but my Giga has long been in electronic pet heaven. So I've come to the conclusion that it's time to hang up our Ked high top sneakers for good and put on some more durable shoes - hopefully slightly more fashionable - so that we can march off into the real world in style. Maybe we are marching to the beat of Doug Funnie banging on his trashcan, heading off to particular place - one that can be seen on even the foggiest of days, or maybe we are walking - or crawling - Tommy Pickles style to somewhere slightly less defined. But whatever the pace or whatever the destination, we'll get there. We'll all get there whether sprinting or skipping, we will all reach our destinations even if they're not yet clearly labeled on the map. Don't be afraid of the unknown; don't be the kid on "Double Dare" who has to admit to Marc Summers that he is too scared to take the physical challenge. Climb to the top of the Aggro Crag because when Mike O'Malley asks, we should all respond that "yes, we do have it; we do have guts." We all have what it takes to stand up to any adversity and succeed. We're not afraid of hard work, after all, we saw our parents make Jell-o and Rice Krispies Treats in the kitchen, years before the clever packaging. We were the ones who had to beg for Barbie Jeeps, Moon Shoes, and Nintendos - we will take on the challenge even if the chances of success appear grim. Most importantly, no matter where we are or where our journey leads, we will always have each other and our pasts to hold onto. We're the ones who grew up with the Tanner family and we all have a favorite Ninja Turtle and Power Ranger. We remember who collected the most Pogs and who always won the elementary school mile run. We used our first credit cards in Mall Madness and collectively spent more hours setting up Mouse Trap than we ever spent playing it. Most of us know exactly what a "Zack Morris phone" is and what it means to sit in a chair "A.C. Slater style." We know that "sike," "not," and "duh" are the three most useful and perhaps most important words in the English language, and we each know where we stand on the great debate between "The Boxcar Children" and "The Babysitters Club." We know how to skip-it and bop-it, and anyone of us who claims to have never twirled a Ribbon Dancer is lying. We waited for the ice cream truck together and tried to get our way by threatening to not invite someone to our next birthday party. We know that "duck duck goose" can be translated to "MC MC Hammer," and we remember our own British invasion - the one that taught us that "if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." And we know that the "M" in MTV used to mean something before the network was taken over by reality television. We are old enough to remember Duck Hunt, the bast game on the best system ever, but we are young enough that our hair was never too big, and cell phones and the internet were around at the time we needed them most. "Lord of the Rings" is our "Star Wars" and much to the avail of many, Halo is the new Duck Hunt of our time. We have come from different places and arrived at this moment by different means but today we sit united as we head off into the future. We are a generation, we are a class, a group, forever. We will remember that we were with each other when we think of September 11th, and we will know that our classmates were next to us when President Bush announced the country's plans for an Iraq war. We look back at these times, but now we must look to the future - we're finally ready to "find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real." We're one step closer to that proverbial place that we keep hearing about; the real world is on the horizon and we're ready to reach it. There are no limits. We're "standing at the edge of tomorrow and it's all up to us how far we go" - just like "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" tells us. On that note, the subject of Zack Morris arises once again, and it's in his immortal words that I conclude, "we're out of here!"

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

90210



Unfortunately, tonight I am forced to forgo my typical light heartedness as events have unfolded that I take very seriously and feel can't be ignored. Without naming any names (Rebecca), tonight, Kelly Taylor's mother, Jackie, was killed off on "90210," the 2nd.

Before I proceed, I want to say that in absolutely no way do I fault Jennie Garth in the slightest bit for anything that has transpired. Jennie, you rule... and like Sarah Palin said to Levi on "Oprah," you have an open invitation to Thanksgiving.

Although in general, it might now be clear that I love television, I think the intensity in which I love "Beverly Hills, 90210" might be scary to some readers. Therefore, I am not going to elaborate on it, but let's just say that I have very strong feelings in favor of the show.... And I may or may not credit it as the primary reason that I live in Los Angeles today... now I'm off topic.

Although it is true that I consider myself to be an "authority" of sorts when it comes to BH 90210, and it's also true that I no longer watch the show under any circumstances because I think I might actually be addicted to it, I am a mature adult now, and I can take the facts. "Beverly Hills 90210" isn't real, and I have come to a place where I have made room for the new "90210" in my life. Just because someone new has come along doesn't mean we love the big sister any less. I'm fine with all that. Hey guys, take your new show and run. I will cheer from the sidelines (even though by the looks of your creative license I should probably be in the game). The future is yours guys. What I could do without (Rebecca) is the recreation of the past.

Perhaps it's because I have yet to offer my services to my friends at CBS, and I have only myself to blame. Let me rectify this now and make a blanket offer to anyone working on "90210" to feel free to contact me if you are in a quandary about wanting to reference the original show but not knowing if your information is correct. I will bring you the tape, or better yet, very quickly give you the answer. See, rename Erin, "Silver," tell me that Dylan and Kelly broke up, throw Donna and David's impending divorce in my face. I can take it. Do I like it? No I don't. Does it make me angry? Not particularly. What I don't want you to tell me is that Jackie was sober for Kelly's nose job or that Jackie gave Kelly diet pills - not so much because this second one couldn't have been true, but because I know what you are referencing (Season 3, Episode 24, "Perfectly Perfect") and you're wrong, and Jackie didn't, and I don't think you have seen that one in over 10 years.

It's not even so much the minute inaccuracies though, it's the sentiment behind it - it's the fact that their relationship has been rewritten. To this day, one of my favorite episodes of all time is 1.07, "Perfect Mom." And this, together with "Sleepover," pretty much lays the foundation for the entire Kelly character which has now spanned almost 20 years. We couldn't leave well enough alone with that? Jackie is now dead, and I am now being asked to accept the fact that the entire 10 year long ongoing storyline between Kelly and her mother has been thrown out the window. For the record, Jackie stopped drinking in episode 7 of season 1 of the original show, and if I know Kelly, which I think I do... she had 10 pretty decent (and sober) years with her mother. Yes Jackie was hard on Kelly at times ("Mother's Day" 7.29) and yes she encouraged Erin to eat nonfat frozen yogurt, but she was also unequivocally there for Kelly during these years too. And Kelly was there for her. I wish someone writing in the digital age could have bothered to do some research on that. And again tonight, even in Jackie's death, no mention of David or Mel... um Kelly and Erin, shouldn't you take some of your anger out in that direction? I doubt it's everyday that YOUR FATHER (in Erin's case) IGNORES THE FACT THAT YOUR MOTHER IS DYING, especially when he went all the way to Portland to drag his son's mom out of the streets. "She will always be your mother David.".. or at least until new writers come along.

That being said, Kelly and Jackie's goodbye moment was the most "BH 90210" authentic yet on this new incarnation. I even felt like I had been transported back in time. Likely because Jennie and Ann remember the characters and the original show even when they are surrounded by people who choose to forget (or more probably never knew in the first place). I don't care where "90210" goes from here... if Jasper tries to stage Annie's suicide (seriously guys?, we've seen this coming for weeks), or how many characters in the 90210/Melrose Place continuum Rob Estes ends up playing (right now we're at 3), but please, please, stop screwing with my show. And while we're at it, by my estimation, CBS owes me like 60 bucks for my heavily edited "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 1 boxed set.... pay up guys and then maybe we can work something out about my opinion towards your new show. RIP Jackie Taylor 11.22.90 (because the pilot doesn't count) - 11.17.09.

Monday, November 16, 2009

"The trick is to make them laugh with you..."

"... before they can laugh at you." - Jaleel White in "Stephanie Got Framed." - "Full House," January 25, 1991. I took this advice to heart, so when Stephanie got glasses, I wore sunglasses. When Stephanie wore a side half ponytail, I wore a side half ponytail. When Stephanie sang "The Sign" in the talent competition at the Smash Club, I walked around singing "The Sign" at church. In fact, when asked "oh, you like Ace of Base?" by an older kid, rather than playing it off as a badass third grader who knew the songs on the radio, I replied, "um no." I didn't like Ace of Base - I had never heard of Ace of Base. I liked Stephanie Tanner, and I wanted to be just like her.

Although I am six months (... and a day - I promise I'm not really crazy) older than the Olsen duo, I always felt way too cool and mature (clearly if we are using this post as an example) to be a fan of baby Michelle. (And as a "Full House" purist who loved the show as a whole, I detested it when kids called the show "Michelle"). Then there was D.J. I always knew D.J. with her pillow person, Paula Abdul poster, and private phone line was the epitome of a cool teenager, but she was a little too old for me to relate to. So I naturally turned to Stephanie as my hero - a few years older than me and totally rad with awesome clothes and an even cooler attitude. In my book, Stephanie ruled. (and Jodie Sweetin is one of the best child actors of all time - seriously, the kid memorized lines when she was four - who does that... even if she couldn't spell mnemonic).

So with all the love I had for Jodie Sweetin, you can only imagine my excitement when I was visiting my cousins in Massachusetts circa 1992 and saw a commercial on TV that caught my attention. Jodie Sweetin was going to be signing autographs at the local mall! (I recently read in her book that this experience wasn't fun for her - go figure, but to me, it was the thrill of a lifetime, so for my sake, thanks for putting up with it Jodie).

My older cousin, knowing how much I loved the show, asked our parents if we could go and for some reason, they agreed. I put on my best outfit - a polka dotted button up sweatshirt with coordinated polka dotted shorts, layered up my socks - a different color on top for each foot, and my cousin curled and feathered my hair. I wanted to look just right for my big meet and greet with Jodie.

We drove over to the mall where we saw a huge line and a giant purple dinosaur. (Later when Barney became popular, my mother would claim that we had seen Barney before he hit it big, but this was a generic purple dinosaur - it was not Barney). We got in line, and as I recall, I waited patiently like the absolute angel that I always was. I waited and waited. My cousin asked me what I was going to say to Jodie when I got to the front of the line. "Are you gonna tell her you watch her show?" She asked. Hmm.. i hadn't thought about that. I decided that I would tell Jodie that I loved her show.

Once I could see Jodie sitting at her table, I became increasingly nervous. I didn't know her! And you couldn't just go up and talk to a cool 10 year old!.. even if she is sitting at a table with the sole purpose of saying hello to her fans... I thought, "am I going to tell her I like her show?" - Like hell I am. I definitely wanted to speak to Jodie, but by the time I handed her the black and white photo that her people had given me to have her sign, I was completely frozen. I have no idea if anyone in my family ever spoke to her (although I'm certain that they did because who in their right mind couldn't muster up a simple greeting), but I know I didn't... I just stood there like a deer in the headlights of a VW bus. Although I still think it's too bad that I choked, I still remember the event fondly (as evidenced by the fact that I am still talking about it... 17 years later). If I could say something to Jodie Sweetin now, it would be "thanks for contributing to my childhood - you will always be my first TV hero... and I may or may not still have your autographed black and white photo framed and hanging on my wall." Here's to you Jodie Sweetin. With or without Mr. Bear, as D.J. once said, "you're a cool kid." And as far as I'm concerned,you always will be.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Throw out your rules! These are Road Rules!


As previously mentioned, I tape everything... so after writing about Road Rules Semester at Sea yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to find that tape clearly labeled and accessible when I got home. Although it was great catching up with the gang on the high seas, and I was beyond thrilled when I heard the intro line again (so much so that I chimed in and shouted "These are Road Rules!!" at the TV with more enthusiasm than was appropriate), it was really something else on the tape that caught my interest... an episode of "The Real World" 6: Boston.

It's been a while since I have seen episodes of "retro" Real World - remember when it seemed incredible that they reached season 10? - wait... did they go back to LA for season 20 because season 2 was in LA? something to think about... anyway... it's been a while since I have watched any episode of "The Real World" that is 30 minutes in length, but I clearly remember the fighting and the yelling and the pure hard core drama that came from the Boston cast - but I was shocked by what I saw last night.

Sure enough, Kameelah is in fact upset by the absolute and utter ruckus that is coming from the downstairs floor of the house that the cast is sharing on Martha's Vineyard - this part is not surprising... what is surprising however is when the viewers get to investigate the commotion for themselves. It turns out that the indecent behavior that the immature gang of Cyrus, Montana, Elka, and Sean is engaging in is drinking beer and playing... wait for it... charades. Seriously. The thing where you act out clues and people guess... you know... it's that game your parents play with their neighbors on Saturday nights once a month.

Kameelah then goes on to state in her outrage that she knows what she "doesn't want to be" when she looks at her roommates - other than Jason and Genesis. One question for you though Kameelah, is it the charades or the beer? Because if it's the charades, would pictionary be ok? If it's the six pack though then I guess maybe there is a bigger issue.

The thing that I like about "The Real World" is that it has captured the ways and behaviors of young people over the last two decades - like a time capsule. I don't think that MTV or Bunim Murray is necessarily at fault for turning the show into a 24/7 Spring Break - maybe it's a societal thing... or maybe it's that they are specifically casting kids who like to do drugs and party - decide for yourselves. One thing I do know though is that any outrage over the immaturity and annoyance of beer and charades has faded into yesteryear... and I have to admit - that makes me a little sad. Where have the days gone?

In the shift from kids trying to find themselves, meet new people, and experience new places to kids trying to out drink each other, bone more people/roommates than the others, and just try to get through the season without getting kicked out, it is worth noting some key differences between then and now. For instance, then, Rachel and Cori rebelled by staying in and drinking wine in San Francisco, and now, Briana is worried that the girl who she made out with at the club might have been doing cocaine because her lips have gone numb. Then - Melissa, Mike, and other friends have an orgy in the shower, and now - ok... well I guess not everything has changed... and yes, Montana - it is still illegal to give wine to children.

Anyway you look at it, "The Real World" has been a pioneer in TV, and any which way the kids behave, I just hope they never stop.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Girls are (were) Back!



It certainly has been a blast from the past to be able to witness two people, instumental in my childhood, be able to relive their glory (ahem, whatever you call it) on MTV's latest installment of the Real World/Road Rules challenge... Two girls who approached their initial seasons quite, well, differently.

Let's first journey back to 1999. Cell phones were all the rage, MTV's "10 Spot" was in full swing, and these innovative masters in reality took their first stab at re-tooling the always "second best" side kick to "The Real World." That's right friends, throw away the RV, take down the horns, these kids set sail on one of the finest Ocean Liners cruising the seven seas - welcome to "Road Rules 8: Semester at Sea."

Rather than getting into the reasons that this season was the turning point for the once dominating show (although kudos for not voting people off yet), let's focus on the vixen on lido deck: Veronica. In a season full of what I would deem "misfits," I knew I could count on Veronica to rock the boat (good one, I know) and take this season from being a snore to a reason to look forward to Monday nights. And mostly for one key reason that doesn't get recognized enough... it turned out that as far as both tangible and intellectual property were concerned... Veronica was incredibly shifty.

Hide your "not particularly special" black T-shirts and term papers girls! Veronica is back! On the day that MTV broadcast the T-shirt episode (where Veronica steals, hides, eventually pulls Pua into the bathroom to give back, and then cries and confesses about the shirt that she had taken from her unsuspecting and bald - atleast it wasn't a hat - roommate) I am honestly not sure I have laughed so hard. On that day, Veronica told the confessional cameras that she had never been so ashamed (judging by her future behavior on some of the challenges I am assuming this record didn't hold up) and cried and begged for forgiveness - for stealing a T-shirt... and hiding it in her closet - while being videotaped... am I missing something here? Veronica, did you by any chance quit NASA to join the Road Rules cast?

Then there was the day that Veronica ripped off Ayanna's term paper and it went very differently... but was just as hilarious. Voodoo practicing Ayanna had written her paper, turned it in, and then unsuspectingly ended up in a plagarism scandal. Veronica didn't write her paper, copied Ayanna's, chased Ayanna down the hall trying to rip the paper away from the original author... and then too, somewhat surprisingly, seemed genuinely shocked when she ended up in the plagarism scandal as well. Veronica's claim to fame explanation that she "followed the outline" was quickly shot down when Ayanna calmly (yeah right) countered that she had never seen the outline - you be the judge here. In my book, not only does Veronica's total lack of a moral compass make for great television, but she has got to be one of the worst con artists of all time.

Veronica took this love for trouble on the road for years and ended up on several challenges. Always the agressor, Veronica was in the "in crowd," did well in the missions, and hooked up with guys and girls alike. In the process, she made friends (no), offended audiences, and generally did her best to break down the spirits of everyone around her - usually succeeding. In fact, in this latest go-round, Tonya drunkenly brings up something that Veronica said to her years earlier. The difference now is that at almost 24 years old, I am no longer in middle school, so to Veronica: that means you are old. No longer one of the cool kids, Veronica realizes that she is out of her league and is playing the game with people who watched her steal things on Monday nights as children. To Veronica, for a few weeks there, I actually felt like I was still working on that map for Spanish class while waiting in anticipation for your latest antics - please, don't be a stranger.

Next, we must go back in time even further. The Spice Girls and Hanson were climbing the charts, and the yet-to-be revamped and later defunct "Road Rules" was in full swing down under. The year was 1998 and we were ready for some horns and some dynamite Australian missions. In the cast of generally unremarkable young adults, there was one 18 year old innocent lamb who famously remarked that she didn't believe in fornication (I was forced to look this word up in the dictionary as a 12 year old) and was deemed by Christina to be on a "downward spiral" for stealing bowling shoes from unsuspecting teenage workers. Her name was Susie, and she was just embarking on a journey that has, to date, spanned 11 years.

Susie might have started off sweet but quickly established herself on the challenges as the undefeated cat to beat... and she is so not as nice as she used to be - which is ok with me. Susie may not be known for drunken antics and hook ups, but to me, she will always be known as the girl on the downward spiral stealing bowling shoes - and inspiring me to steal a pair of my own (which really wasn't as funny as I had anticipated). Susie, welcome back because although I may not have braces anymore, when you are around, I am still 12 and the Spice Girls are still together.

I salute you, Veronica and Susie, because while fame in the MTV world often lasts fewer than 15 minutes, it looks like you are here to stay. Can anyone really name anyone else from either of your seasons? (other than Yes and Piggy whose parents sorely misinterpreted the English language). And to anyone out there, I say that if you can do something for 6 months, refuse to fade into oblivion, and then make money off of it over 10 years later, you're doing something right afterall. Only here can kids be inspired to truly live that great American dream.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

In The Beginning


On March 19, 1990, at exactly 4 years, 3 months, and 7 days old, my life was changed. This evening in Connecticut was a “Friday night,” the “moon was bright” – I was about to “have some fun,” they were going to show me “how it’s done” – and I was going to get to watch it again and again because THIS was the night that my mother not only gathered the family around to watch - but instead decided to record TGIF on ABC – most specifically, “Full House” – my one true love.

As the legend goes, my toddler self would become so distraught with the extreme and bitter disappointment of returning home from a Friday night dinner only to find that we had missed "Full House," that my mother was left with only two logical options – either encourage me to read a book and play with toys or dust off the best and most fancy gadget the 1980’s could buy. I’m convinced that there are few people in the world who got as much use out of the VCR as our family did – and the fact that our remote was attached to the box with a cord only gave us momentum since we never succumbed to the inevitable search for the VCR controller. To this day, in 2009 – I still make it my mission to keep the blank tape industry alive – buying out the stock whenever I see the tapes sitting alone and abandoned at drugstores across the greater Los Angeles area… and I trace this obsession back directly to that cold March night in 1990.

Eventually, with my “Full House” and “Family Matters” collections already in full swing, I knew I had no choice but to expand my library. I went through elementary school completely unable to understand why anyone would NOT tape something. “Saved by the Bell” – check, “The Brady Bunch” – it’s an American classic. The Olympics, the 1999 All Century Baseball Team, season finales of shows I had never seen – you never know when you will want to watch it again, or in some cases – at all.

I became so engrossed with collecting moments of America’s television history that by middle school, I was scouring Al Gore’s newest invention, the internet, to find the tapes of things that I had always wanted – the 1988 Olympic Games, the 1986 World Series, those pesky episodes of “Beverly Hills, 90210” that never seemed to find their way onto WGN… I wanted it all. I also began selling tapes on Ebay, years before boxed sets had cornered the market. I was a kid who could have a friend sleep over only after I had “cleaned up my tapes.”

There were two times that I remember being grounded from television: once for a week during the “Saved by the Bell” years and another time, for 2 weeks in 1997, during the “90210” phase (that never ended). The “90210” grounding came with more lenient conditions – I was allowed to tape the reruns during the day as long as the television was off, and I could watch the new episode on Wednesday... and trust me, this was punishment enough.

Because of a tragic incident relating to the May 4, 1993 broadcast of the "Full House" episode “Prom Night,” I no longer trusted my amateur recording skills to edit out commercials, so I recorded them all, and I started learning and loving jingles. Shave n Fun Ken, Suzi Strech, Quaker Instant Grits… – I very unfortunately still know them all and sadly for the undeserving people around me at the time, I still sometimes break out my repertoire when I am bored at work or in line at public places – usually interspersed with theme songs (my favorites are “Who’s the Boss?”, “Perfect Strangers”, and “Phenom” – yes, “Phenom”, keyword: “Judith Light” – let the googling begin). I began to truly love commercials, so when Tiffani-Amber Thiessen hosted “The Greatest Commercials of All Time,” I recorded that too. Mean Joe Green, Hey Mikey, Where’s the Beef? You can’t stump me on any outdated references that I should be too young to understand.

Always hip to the recording innovations, I bought a Tivo with babysitting money in high school, but it wasn’t the same. For “gotta have” moments, I knew that tape was the only way to go. A dvd could be inadvertently scratched beyond repair, but even on cracked tapes, “Growing Pains” can still "show me that smile" on demand. Sure, there were missteps along the way (anyone ever heard of “Titans”?), but for the most part, I stand behind my choices… “Primetime” episodes, complete seasons of “The Real World”, “Barbara Walters’ 20 Years At ABC”, the balloon boy puking on “The Today Show.” Digital recording now assists in my cause - I can record it all, but tape only what I absolutely need – with a safety net that makes it possible to be 100% commercial free.

When my parents moved in 2008, I cut down my collection by over 200 tapes, but I still have plenty of overflowing boxes. And I concede that the boxed sets of shows like “Friends” help me to find the episode that I want to watch in a much shorter amount of time – and without all the crying and yelling that inevitably comes with a search for the tape labeled “did that say outgoing?” (my clever name for “The One Where No One’s Ready”). I don’t know which section of the OCD spectrum I fall on, but I would be curious to find out if there are any experts out there. Until medical help intervenes, I will be out there, taping and loving television, and it all comes back to my favorite family, The Tanners, because on March 19, 1990, this fun loving bunch officially became the headliners of tape # 1.