Party Planning

Ever since I heard Steve Urkel explain on his one-episode stint of "Full House" that he was born during the year of America's bicentennial, I knew I was sorry that I had missed this great event of 1976. As someone who doesn't think that there is any real purpose for any of the other so called "nations" to be taking up our land on earth, as a person who still thinks of the British, Japanese, and Soviets as permanent enemies, and as a proud patriot who outright rejects foreign art and culture, any excuse to funnel beer, play country music, light fireworks, and wave a flag from the back of my Chevy while eating McDonalds and flag cake is a holiday for me. And I have always been certain that the bicentennial was just the kind of event that must have encouraged this kind of outlandish American spirit, and a big "screw you" attitude to any of these other so-called "countries" who for the most part, have been around much longer than 200 years yet have failed to invent the fast food restaurant, strip mall, mega-church, or even one stop shopping. To think that Napoleon never got to shop at a Wal-Mart, I could never be friends with a man like that. Rather than spending millions of dollars on a NASA-type program that sent their men to the moon with one of their flags to plant on its surface, the un-American morons invented something called "universal healthcare" giving away money to their people to use here on earth so that they could do things like go to the doctor and get medicine. Oh yeah guys? As if taking care of your citizens on a day to day basis is really "one giant leap for mankind." These other (mostly non-English speaking) places are not for me, and for many years now, I have been very upset that I missed the granddaddy of Independence Day celebrations, the one where I really could have illustrated my love for these 50 states, and I missed it by a mere 9 and a half years. Therefore, I have made it my life's goal to live to see July 4, 2076, at 90 and a half years old. It is my mission, and I have chosen to accept it, to salute the Statue of Liberty (or atleast still be breathing) for America's tricentennial. I have started to tell anyone who will listen to me about my plans to be at the tricentennial, and I have been met with a varying degree of responses. Some people, a lawyer who graduated from Harvard for instance, suggested that I would have to be over 120 to make it to 2100. Another person thought that the bicentennial occurred in the 80's. Nonetheless, I don't let these should-be Mensa members deter me from my goals, and I have also found a slew of supporters who have given me tips about health and longevity (eat carrots, avoid plastic, cell phones, the sun, aspertame, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, too much red wine, not enough red wine, milk chocolate, non-organic meat, caffeine, R rated movies - you get the picture). One such aid in my quest even went so far as to Google the tricentennial for me, and I was absolutely shocked by what she found. As it turns out, I am not the only one with my sights set on 2076. In fact, there is an organizing committee (http://www.2076.org/) already in the works... for the event which will not occur for another 66 years. Naturally, I contacted the other friends of the tricentennial, and I would like to share with you my attempt at outreach. (I have not yet received a response, so if any of you know Mary of the 2076 committee, please pass along my contact info)...

Hi Mary,

I see that you are on the committee for the 2076 celebrations. What exactly is this group doing as far as the planning for the event goes? I am very interested in the tricentennial, and as I am currently 23 years old, in very good health, and have strong spirit, I think my chances of making it to our nation's 300th birthday are very good. If there is anything specific that you would like me to do when I get to 2076, please let me know. I want to see your group's wishes carried out in the event that not all of your members make it. Please let me know if you need any help in the current year as well in regards to the organizing and the planning as I believe it is never too early to start preparations for such large gatherings - I make a mean Jell-O mold for instance. Which actually brings up a good point, we should probably start stocking up on items we might want at the party like Jell-O and TAB. Since it is already difficult to get TAB, I would think we would certainly not be able to buy it day-of. Unfortunately, Clear Pepsi and New Coke are already out of the question. I am also good at anticipating upcoming trends, so I will not only be an asset today, but in the coming years as well. I will not provide my cell phone number because in 2076 I suspect that you will simply be able to chant "Catherine" and I will materialize. Since the name is steadily falling off the popularity charts, I don't anticipate much confusion because I will likely be one of the few "Catherine"s left - although they probably said the same thing about "Emma" a few years back... so who knows.

Anyway, I would love to help, and I am already looking forward to the big event. Please keep in touch.

Catherine